We have a few mutual friends, you and I. So every now & then I see the two of you as I’m scrolling through social media and I stop.
I observe the big smiles, the perfect lighting, the fit bodies clad in coordinating outfits. And, for a second, I buy into the perfection. I see what everyone else sees.
But then I wonder.
I wonder if people can really change all that much.
I wonder when you’re
tilting your head just so,
making your pose just right,
searching for the perfect filter,
carefully crafting bait for others’ envy
if the thought ever crosses your mind, even just for a second that
I wonder if that thought hits you like gravity or
if you don’t give a second thought to the fact that
someone knows what it’s like behind closed doors.
Someone knows how his temper can turn on a dime.
Someone knows what it's like to be told she's cute, but not hot;
to be told no one will ever put up with her if she leaves;
to be told that funny girls aren't sexy.
Someone knows he's thrown a drink in a woman's face because she disagreed with his politics.
Someone knows the feeling of waking in the middle of the night, turning over, & realizing he’s not there.
Someone knows the feeling of having to constantly keep up—stay skinny enough, pretty enough, interesting enough, just the right balance of good girl and bad—to keep his attention.
And someone knows exactly what happens when you take a quick break, just for a second, to catch your breath.
Someone knows how his cut downs have a way of matching your exact insecurities
and how those words settle deep into your bones,
weighing down your once strong legs,
making it feel nearly impossible to muster up the strength to walk out.
Someone knows what it’s like to try and convince others of a side they’ve never seen to no avail, making you second guess your own perceptions, your own sanity.
Someone knows what it's like to long to be loved for all the parts of you--the real and ravenous and raw--not just your representative.
Someone knows what it's like to rationalize staying because he's only like this twenty percent of the time--who's perfect anyway?
and she doesn’t believe that people like that change a whole lot.
Someone hopes she’s wrong.
But that someone who knows these things, she sees herself in you. She remembers the confusion, the exhaustion of it all. She remembers just trying to put on a good front. She knows what it's like to be part of something so admired and well-loved by friends, yet so lonely when they leave.
Someone also knows people can change their ways for the right person
and that the reality she once lived may not be yours.
But someone also wants you to know that
if you should ever find yourself lying in an empty bed
wondering where he is and when he’ll be back,
tears of rage streaming down at both him and yourself,
the feeling of being played a fool running ice cold through your veins once again,
you’re not crazy,
you’re not alone,
I'm Krissy & I'm so thankful you're here. Being a woman, a wife, a mother--it's all rewarding but also tough. I hope this is a place you can go that feels like caffeine for the soul. Check out the categories below and, if you like what you read, subscribe to make sure you always have good Sunday morning reading to go with your coffee :)